Extra Mustard's Monday Night Raw Recap: The Slammys still aren't as pointless as the Grammys

The WWE and Relentless Optimism

If there’s one thing we can say about the WWE, it’s that it will categorically refuse to let a bad idea die. The Slammy Awards should not exist anymore. They’ve been progressively de-emphasized over the last decade, but they just will not go away. Here’s Seth Green, a man who clearly has no idea what he’s watching, yet just shameless enough to accept the paycheck to host Raw. Watch as he aimlessly puts over Mizdow because the teleprompter said so.

Just once, I want the Raw guest host to be a total heel. There are moments where WWE’s relentlessness turns into something good, like how we all suddenly found ourselves enjoying Batista back in May, but the Slammys are just run-of-the-mill misguided.

Dolph Ziggler Does Not Need To Be “Legitimate Guy Who Loses on Go-Home Shows”

Straight up, I’ll watch Rollins/Ziggler every week. Those dudes are fire and floppy and everything I love about wrestling. I’m just a little bit bummed that even after Survivor Series, Dolph Ziggler is still the guy who gets booked to lose to heels the week before they wrestle John Cena. Sure, it was a dusty distraction finish, but it still makes me irrationally upset. I know it doesn’t affect his status, I know he’s still totally over, but it’s still so indicative of the suffocating, regimented thinking that clearly infects the corporation on a trickle-down administrative level.

Again, this barely matters, and I should just shut up and enjoy the awesome match we got, but y’know, that’s what wrestling writing is all about.

Seth Rollins Calling Out Sting Was Beautiful Though

Sometimes you can see the inner wrestling-nerd butterflies just below the surface. When Seth Rollins, a man lingering in developmental a couple years ago, crashed an award ceremony not only to steal Sting’s trophy, but also to cut a big nasty promo on him? Yeah, you could feel the jitters, and it was adorable. Go get ‘em Seth.

The New Day Are Already Dead

I can’t be an optimist about this anymore. The New Day! Weeks of promos! Promises of a bright, inspirational future! Singles matches against former tag-team champions and getting booked on the pre-show…? That’s not very promising.

You know how you introduce a repackaging? You give us a hook to care about. I mean, they’re having Adam Rose beat up a bunny every week. A bunny. It’s not exactly the epitome of character development, but it’s something. I know who he is. That’s all I’m really asking for! God knows I’m not asking for high art. But Kofi Kingston beating Stardust with a cross-body gives me absolutely nothing. Who is Kofi now? Why is he hanging out with that gospel choir? Is he still from Jamaica? Why is he friends with Xavier Woods and Big E?

Instead of answering any of those questions, they just gave us clapping, and Big E wiping sweat from his brow. THAT’S NOT ENOUGH. THAT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE. WHY WOULD YOU ASK US TO CHANT “NEW DAY” WHEN WE LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE OR WHAT THEY STAND FOR?

I know this show is probably a lot harder to write for than it looks, but sometimes I’m not so sure.

Hulk Hogan Being Nominated For “Most Shocking Return” is Hilarious

Look, getting mad about Slammys nominations is literally the least productive thing you could possibly do with your life, but to anyone who was seriously shocked that Hogan returned to the WWE after his TNA contract was up, you are the most gullible human in the universe.

Anyways, good to see Warrior win. RIP Warrior. Everytime they play that clip of you butterfly kissing your daughters at the Hall of Fame I totally lose it.

Hey Charlotte! Awesome! Even if She’s Losing I Don’t Care!

If you don’t know, Charlotte is the women’s champion down in NXT. She’s like 6 feet tall and totally rips girls apart in the ring. My girlfriend likens her to a mean-spirited Volleyball jock. It’s awesome. The commentary endlessly prattles on about how she wrestles like Ric Flair, because commentary gets all of their cues and comparisons from the corporate agenda, but she mostly just works like Brock Lesnar. She even does that turnbuckle shoulder-charge thing that Lesnar does every single match!

Anyway, so she’s out here taking on Natalya, which makes sense considering the two worked back at NXT Takeover. It’s a fun little back-and-forth match that really shows off Charlotte’s athleticism, especially when she yells “HEY TYSON” before slapping his wife in the face. That’s cold, Charlotte.

Natalya ends up slipping away with a roll-up victory, which leaves Charlotte super shocked and stompy. I’m guessing this is here to set up a Natalya/Charlotte feud as soon as she gets called up (probably pretty soon?). So if you’re really getting down because of NXT guys losing on the main show, well, just focus on all the exciting stuff coming up. Also, if you have the Network, you should really, really watch that NXT pay-per-view on Thursday. Don’t let the product get you down!

Real quick: a hat-tip to Tyson Kidd for climbing the turnbuckle in front of Natalya after her victory. That dude has been such an amazing jerk these last few weeks and I desperately hope he gets over for it.

Santino Pronouncing “OMG” as “Ohmgh”

Not bad, I lol’d.

Bray Wyatt is Really Mad About That Rocking Chair, Huh?

This is the angriest, most honest promo Bray Wyatt has ever cut. And it’s about Dean Ambrose breaking his rocking chair. It belonged to Sister Abigail, you see, so it’s very important to his legacy, or something, I don’t know.

When I started watching the way Bray Wyatt worked, I dreamed of the day that someone would finally get to him. Who would break apart his oily, mythic confidence? I imagined some amazing, career-defining feud with a CM Punk type, or maybe even Daniel Bryan.

I definitely wasn’t hoping that entire climax would be a rocking chair, because that seems a little, well, anticlimactic.

SIGH.

At least Ambrose/Wyatt II will be excellent, despite any and all rocking chairs in the build.

A.J. With the Stealth Burn!

A.J. Lee won Diva of the Year, so she skipped out and did the whole “I’m a nerd, I’m a tomboy, and I can be Diva of the Year so you can too!” thing. I like it, and it’s kinda true; but she always manages to leave out the “I’m also really charismatic, athletic, and stunningly beautiful” part. Like, sorry A.J., your rise isn’t exactly Susan Boyle.

HOWEVER, I did dig the part where she says “and I hope next year I can see Charlotte, Emma, Sasha Banks, or Paige host this trophy.” WHAT A STEALTH BURN. Both Bella twins were nominated and A.J. just skipped out like NAH. It was super cool, and I can’t help but think there could be backstage ramifications.

Can’t Stop Loving The Miz

*crowd chants WE WANT MIZDOW*

“I know, I know! I know you want Miz now!”

How can you hate that? Seriously.

Didn’t We Do This Already? Like, Only Three Months Ago?

We all remember when Rusev beat Jack Swagger like three times in a row right? They weren’t all clean, but I think we all left knowing who the definitive winner was. I mean, Swagger is a couple notches down on the kayfabe totem pole from Mark Henry and Big Show, so why are we running this back again? You couldn’t have, I don’t know, Cesaro do this job? What about Titus O’Neal? Heck, give Zack Ryder another PPV match, that’d be kinda fun! Just not the same boring guy we saw from three feuds ago.

Ricky!

Here’s the thing, if the WWE trotted Hulk Hogan out once or twice a year, it’d feel kinda special. Same with Ric Flair, or whoever. It’s why Vince’s return a month ago felt pretty great, or when Shawn Michaels showed up randomly after SummerSlam. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat is a guy we never see, so having him announce the winner of Match of the Year was pretty exciting! It’s not that hard, guys.

That Kinda Feels Fishy, Doesn’t It?

Roman winning Superstar of the Year isn’t necessarily surprising. Dude’s had a huge year for his personal brand, and he resonates with both 9-year olds and my girlfriend, so he can draw a ton of votes. But do you really mean to tell me he got more than Daniel Bryan, John Cena, and Brock Lesnar? He’s been sidelined with an injury for two months; that just doesn’t seem right.

But it does make a ton of business sense if you’re about to reintroduce him next Raw in his run towards main-eventing WrestleMania!!!

I hate to say this guys, but I think there may be some things about the WWE that aren’t 100 percent honest.

Oh My God am I really watching The Big Show and John Cena headline Raw?

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January cannot come soon enough. We’re almost there guys. Almost.

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