Tom Brady's Recipes in His New Book Are, Unsurprisingly, Pretty Freaking Weird
Tom Brady has a new book. You've probably heard about how Bill Belichick actually made a joke about it or how Brady tells people that drinking water prevents sunburn in it. In addition to some extremely questionable scientific claims and some excellent photos of Tom Brady contemplating the meaning of life while eating a kale salad, it also includes some recipes. I read the recipes, and we even made two of them in our test kitchen. A lot of coconut oil and a few vegetables I have never heard of were involved. So, in case you don't feel like shelling out $30 for recipes that tell you to then shell out more money for the expensive ingredients of these organic meals, here are some thoughts and general observations from Touchdown Tom's foray into the cooking business.
1. Tom, have you ever read a cookbook before? Exact timing is, you know, pretty helpful. In his fresh veggie lasagna (which he makes with “CHEESE” and “WALNUT MEAT,”) he tells us to "soak the tomatoes in the water for 2-6 hours (until soft)."
Tommy, dude, that is a FOUR HOUR gap. You can't get any more specific with that timeframe? Think of all the things one could do with four hours other than stare at tomatoes. Later on, he tells us to put the mixture for avocado ice cream (more on that later, don’t worry) in the freezer “until ice cream reaches desired thickness.” What’s the desired thickness? How long does the desired thickness normally take? Do we need to leave it in the freezer overnight? We’ve already been lured into making this avocado ice cream, Tom. Cut us a break and let us know exactly how to achieve the thickness level that will make it as un-unappealing as possible.
2. Among the obvious foods Tom abstains from, he also avoids “eating anything that comes in a box or a bag, as well as foods containing white flour or added sugars.” Yes, that means cereal. And essentially anything that’s not a raw vegetable because of PLIABILITY! his favorite word that he uses roughly 907 times throughout the book. ((By the way: Pliability (n): The quality of being easily bent, flexibility/Tom Brady's reason for sticking to this confusing regimen.)
3. I do truly appreciate his Alkalizing Green Juice recipe, not necessarily because of the juice itself (which we attempted to make in the office, but our juicer was not delivered in time, so as a result, we have a dream duo of pick-me-up mid-day work snacks left over: kale and turmeric) but because of the accompanying photos. He decorates all of his green juice and smoothie photos with those very fun swirly-colored straws that people use in their mason jars of specialty lavender lemonade vodka drinks at weddings, and the image of Brady starting his day with an alkalizing smoothie and a swirly straw makes me smile.
4. “Even for athletes who play professional sports, an occasional tomato or mushroom won’t harm you.” I'll just leave that there.
5. The Salmon Burger with Avocado Salad actually sounds pretty good! No cheese-in-quotation-marks required.
6. Avocado ice cream is not ice cream. Call it pudding. Or health mush. Or “blended avocadoes.” It smells like, (in the words of Joe Fauria,) “Mother Earth,” and looks (according to me) like the remnants of the 'Mad Pooper.' And it tastes like actual dirt.
So let’s not trick people into thinking it’s dessert just because you’re making us add a crap-ton of expensive cacao powder from the Park Slope food co-op in there. The final product was met with skepticism, fear and dread and the most positive review we were given was: "Well, it's not the worst thing you'll ever eat."